


Let Your Heart Be Light

by decaf and sleep (kohiii)



Series: Through the Years [1]
Category: Vampire Knight (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, Future Character Death, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, M/M, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21830830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kohiii/pseuds/decaf%20and%20sleep
Summary: After an argument between the two lovers, Zero storms out, leaving the pureblood angry and exasperated. Kaname falls asleep while waiting for Zero to return and is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.
Relationships: Kiryuu Zero/Kuran Kaname, Past Cross Yuuki/Kuran Kaname
Series: Through the Years [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1590925
Comments: 18
Kudos: 116





	Let Your Heart Be Light

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a short fic...but it blossomed out of control :^D

Kaname sighed as he finished signing his name, setting down his pen reluctantly. His eyes roved over the line he had written in response to the invitation. When Kaname had informed Zero that he wouldn't be able to spend Christmas this year avoiding his social obligations as a pureblood, the hunter had blown up. Zero was not happy to hear that Kaname was planning to accept the soiree invitations that the noble families had sent him. 

At first, Kaname had assumed Zero was offended that the invitations were only addressed to Kaname (though it indeed was insulting that they completely disregarded the hunter like that). Even after Kaname had reassured Zero that he had no intention of attending those parties alone, didn't Zero already know that Kaname would never leave him behind, Zero had grown more incensed. 

"God forbid that I want to spend Christmas with my _lover!_ " With those angry parting words, Zero had stormed out of the study and slammed the door close behind him. 

Kaname had been unprepared, and he spent a few moments in shock processing what Zero said. And when Kaname hurriedly stepped out to talk to the hunter, he discovered that Zero had already left the house. He longed to go out and chase after Zero, but it was clearly a request for space, and so Kaname had retreated to the study again where he tried and failed to finish the paperwork piled on his desk. He had stared dully at the page, re-reading the same lines until he realized he was getting nothing done. 

Instead, Kaname reached out for the stack of invitations Seiren had left on his desk and started going through them one by one. By the time he finished crafting a response for the last one, it was already dawn and Zero had yet to return. 

Standing by the banister, he eyed the festive decorations Zero had put up earlier in the afternoon when Yuuki dropped by. Kaname hadn't had the proper time to really appreciate everything until now, as he had been out dealing with Senate affairs all day before coming back and sequestering himself away in his study to tackle the paperwork accumulating on his desk. His heart ached when he noticed the platter of chocolate chip cookies sitting on the living room coffee table. After Zero had discovered Kaname's fondness for them, the hunter always baked a fresh batch of cookies for him every time he had a bad day. 

Suddenly determined, Kaname picked his coat off the coat rack and slipped it on, opening the front door and ready to brave the sun to look for his lover. Wincing at the morning light, he moved to step forward when Seiren suddenly appeared by his side. 

"Kaname-sama," her head was bowed in deference. "Please stay inside. It is currently daylight out and you need to rest." 

Kaname was ready to dismiss her when he swayed slightly on the spot. But… "Zero," he murmured, voice pained. He couldn't help but recall the angry look of heartbreak on Zero's face when the hunter stormed out of his study. 

"I will look for Kiryuu-sama and bring him back." 

He lingered at the doorway, wanting to go out and look for Zero himself. However, as Seiren had noted, he was barely standing straight and Kaname doubted his lover wanted to see his face right now. "Please do," he said softly after a moment of hesitation. There was an unspoken plea in his eyes. Kaname didn't often reveal his weaknesses to his inner circle, but this was Seiren and she had witnessed the ups and downs of his relationship with Zero. If there was anyone he would entrust Zero's safety to, it was Seiren. The silver-haired woman nodded and disappeared just as suddenly as she had appeared. 

Meanwhile, Kaname made his way back inside, sitting down on a sofa. He wanted to be here when Zero came back; besides, Kaname couldn't bear the thought of going to sleep on an empty bed. Drawing his coat closer around himself, he watched the crackling fireplace with drooping eyes. Kaname started to nod off. The soothing scent of pine and warm cookies, the twinkling of the Christmas lights, and the merry fire all worked together to lull him to sleep. 

\-- 

The next thing he knew, there was a finger poking his cheek and a young boy's voice calling out, "Wake up, nii-san!" Kaname rolled over, groaning, but his assailant was insistent. The poking continued, until Kaname opened his eyes irritatedly and glared at the source of his frustrations. Then he almost fell off the couch as he realized saw who it was disturbing his sleep. 

" _Ichiru?_ " Kaname stared in astonishment at the translucent figure in front of him. It was a younger mirror image of his lover, but Kaname would never mistake the twins. 

The boy smiled impishly, shaking his head. "Nope! Good guess though." Floating a few inches off the ground, not-Ichiru bowed. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past." 

Kaname stared. Then stared. And stared some more. 

Had he been working too hard, and now he was hallucinating about Zero's deceased brother? Closing his eyes, Kaname counted to ten in his head and then re-opened his eyes. The self-proclaimed Ghost of Christmas Past was still in front of him, head tilted in curiosity at Kaname's actions. This hallucination was incredibly persistent. Figuring it wouldn't hurt to play along until his sanity came back, Kaname asked, "And what does the Ghost of Christmas Past want with me?"

The Ghost of Christmas Past grinned, leaning forward and reaching for Kaname's hand. And to his surprise, Kaname actually felt a solid weight curl around his fingers as the ghost took his hand. 

"Come on, there's something I want to show you!" 

There was a sudden flurry of snow, and Kaname hurriedly raised an arm to block it out when he realized the strange snow was not responding to his powers. When the snow died down and he lowered his arm, Kaname found himself standing at the chairman's home on the grounds of Cross Academy. The Ghost of Christmas Past was nowhere to be seen, and Kaname glanced around to try and make sense of what happened. 

Suddenly, he spotted the familiar figure of his lover through the kitchen window, and Kaname's breath hitched. He strode towards the front door, hands reaching for the handle. To his surprise and alarm, his hand went straight through the doorknob, and Kaname stared as he realized that his entire body was semi-transparent. Just what in the world…? 

The sound of clinking made him remember what it was that had caught his attention, and Kaname pushed his concerns into the back of his mind as he braced himself and walked straight through the door. For a brief moment, he stared in wonder as he made it through to the other side, but then he saw Zero was moving out of the kitchen with two mugs in his hands and Kaname remembered what it was he came in here to do. 

He hurried after Zero, completely unsurprised when his attempts to call out his lover's name went unheard. He followed Zero out the back door, then halted when he saw _himself_ sitting on the back porch bench. As Zero set down one of the steaming mugs on the table in front of them and took a seat next to this other version of himself, Kaname realized what exactly he was seeing. 

Kaname watched the two in front of him sit in silence, the only sounds being of the snowfall outside and the occasional sips Zero took from his own mug. The other Kaname -- the him of the past, he realized -- was staring out at the snow with a melancholic quiet, and Zero was shooting him concerned looks that he tried to hide behind a flimsy mask of annoyance. 

Finally, Zero turned to the other Kaname and jerked his head at the mug on the table. "Come on, Kuran," the other's voice held an undertone of worry. "Cocoa's getting cold. You'll...feel better after you have something to drink." Kaname could see the tips of Zero's ears turn red, and the hunter's face was scrunched up in a scowl of embarrassment. 

The him of the past did not notice at all, still absorbed in his own thoughts. 

"She asked for my blessing today," the other Kaname finally quietly confessed. "I gave it to her." 

Kaname sighed, remembering this conversation. It was the day Yuuki came to him, shyly smiling, telling him that she was planning on marrying her boyfriend of three years and asking for his blessing. At the time, Kaname had still been in love with Yuuki, and though it tore him to pieces, he had told her yes, congratulating her and wishing her all the best. Driven mad by his own thoughts and the silence in his house, Kaname had then appeared on the chairman's doorstep, face empty like death and his emotions dull. The chairman hadn't been home, but Zero had, and he ushered Kaname in without saying a word. 

Kaname didn't know what it was that had compelled him to listen to his former love rival, but he stepped in and followed Zero numbly into the living room. And when Zero went off to make hot chocolate for both of them, he had slipped out to the back porch. He didn't know why he didn't leave -- perhaps it was because he hadn't wanted to be alone, or perhaps he had found solace in Zero's kindness. 

"I told myself that for the sake of her happiness, I was willing to do anything," his past self told Zero, finally turning to face the hunter. There was a sheen of moisture in his eyes as he clenched his hands. "So why can't I let her go? Why does it hurt so much?" 

Kaname watched as Zero hesitated, then set down his mug. Zero reached out and laid his hands gently on top of other-Kaname's, slowly prying his fingers apart. "You'll hurt yourself," the hunter said quietly. In response, the other him let out a shaky breath. 

"It hurts because you care about her," Zero finally said, his eyes clear of any judgment or condescension at Kaname's weakness. "It hurts because it's real. It hurts because even though she's standing right there, you've also lost her in a way you didn't realize was possible." There was an unidentifiable emotion on Zero's face and a certain tenderness in the way Zero was cradling his past self's hands, one that Kaname had not expected to see. From what he could recall, while they no longer bore the same level of animosity towards each other at the time of this conversation, they weren't on the best of terms either. 

His past self smiled wryly, his dry laugh sounding more like a sob. "Did it hurt for you too?" 

Zero stilled. 

The hunter struggled with some inner conflict before a look of resignation passed over his features. Bowing his head, he admitted, "Yes." Zero sighed, fingers twitching slightly. "My case was different from yours but…in some ways, falling out of love doesn't hurt as much as living with unrequited feelings." 

There was that unknown emotion on Zero's face again, and with a painful jolt Kaname suddenly realized it was the ache of unreciprocated love he saw in Zero's eyes. The past version of himself was too caught up in his sorrow to notice it. 

"Oh Zero," he breathed, longing to reach out and reassure this version of Zero that his feelings were not hopeless and unreciprocated. But he was currently nothing more than a silent specter in this window to the past, and it would be a lie to say the Kaname of this time was capable of returning Zero's feelings. 

Kaname looked on as the past figures of himself and his lover conversed. It was painful to see Zero's show of concern, the hunter disregarding his own aching heart to try and help Kaname come to terms with his broken one. He didn't say anything when the Ghost of Christmas Past reappeared next to him, leaning forward on the balls of his feet. They stood there in silence until the two men on the porch finally stood up, took their respective mugs, and moved indoors. 

As the scene disappeared in a flurry of snow, Kaname turned to the Ghost of Christmas Past and asked quietly, "Why did you show me all that?" 

The Ichiru lookalike hummed, spinning around in the snowscape. "That person...is unable to be honest with others about his feelings." The Ghost of Christmas Past suddenly stopped, whirling around to look at Kaname straight in the eye. "What about you, nii-san?" 

Kaname frowned. What _about_ him? As Kaname opened his mouth to answer, the Ghost of Christmas Past floated up, pressing his palms against Kaname's mouth and shaking his head. "It's okay, you don't have to respond to that. Just think about it, alright?" 

When Kaname nodded, the Ghost of Christmas Past beamed at him and then stepped backwards, the outline of his figure slowly fading and dissolving into snow. A sudden gust of wind blew past him, and when Kaname blinked the snowy landscape was gone and he was back on the couch at home again.

\-- 

"I don't suppose you are actually my sister," Kaname remarked idly when a figure materialized next to him. She turned her head, and Kaname saw the same sort of translucence to her figure as the Ghost of Christmas Past. 

Grinning, she chirped, "That's right! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present." Holding a hand out to Kaname, the Ghost of Christmas Present smiled. "Are you ready?" 

"Am I right to assume that you won't tell me why this is all happening?" Kaname asked wryly even as he reached out and grasped her hand. The ghost smiled mysteriously at him and shook her head. 

She then laughed merrily, and their surroundings vanished in a whirlwind of snow. The snow eventually settled, and to his surprise Kaname discovered they were standing at a park that was only a few streets away from his house. Just to be certain he was still stuck in the dream -- because surely that's what this was, just a strange dream -- Kaname waved at a nearby couple and watched as they stared straight through him. Being unable to interact with the world around him evoked some rather unpleasant feelings. Kaname stood still for a few seconds, looking around at all the people who passed him by, then shook his head. There was no point in overthinking useless things. 

As he started to walk around, he noticed that the park was filled with lovers taking a night stroll, elbows linked together and quietly murmuring sweet nothings to each other. Kaname felt a pang of envy looking at their happy, flushed faces. It was an unkind reminder that he could not do the same with his own lover -- not only because Zero was shy about expressing affection in public, but also because there was always a distance they were expected to maintain around others. There were many people who opposed Kaname's choice of partner, and Kaname could feel their disdain and their barely held back antagonism towards Zero whenever the two did appear together in public. While Kaname was hardly bothered by the opinions of those ignorant bigots, he knew Zero already had his fair share of enemies that were after his life, and Kaname wasn't about to add more to that list. 

He continued to walk around aimlessly, wondering what it was exactly the Ghost of Christmas Present wanted him to see and growing more despondent as he watched all the happy lovers celebrating around him. Kaname eventually stopped in front of the large Christmas tree at the center of the park, gazing upwards at the bright star mounted on top. The twinkling lights on the tree seemed to mock him, their cheerfulness a drastic contrast to his dark mood. 

"You're going to run out of time, you know." The Ghost of Christmas Present suddenly reappeared in front of him, a puzzled look on her features. "Are you really just going to stay here and stare at the lights?" 

Kaname blinked at her words, wondering what the ghost meant. He wasn't even sure what the Ghost of Christmas Present had brought him here to do, but apparently it seemed like there was something here he was meant to find. Shaking his head at her question, Kaname inhaled quietly and moved on. The Ghost of Christmas Present nodded approvingly, and then she disappeared just as suddenly as she had appeared. 

It became clear to him when he saw two heads of silver sitting next to each other on a park bench. Drifting closer, Kaname walked around and in front of them, smiling slightly when he realized that Seiren indeed had kept her promise to find Zero. 

"--matter to him, Kiryuu-sama." 

He halted when he realized the two of them were engaged in quiet conversation. Seiren's posture was as rigid as ever, but there was some hint of genuine concern behind her impassive expression. On the other hand, Zero's stoic facade was threatening to break under the torrent of agony swirling in his eyes. That was a face Kaname was intimately familiar with, having seen the same juxtaposing emotions in Zero's earlier years. Zero had worn that same painful look when he was still struggling with his sense of self worth and slow descent into madness. 

"I know that," Zero eventually answered, the soft anguish in his voice making Kaname wish not for the first time that he was able to hold his lover and comfort him. "I don't doubt that he's sincere about...his feelings for me." The hunter's face flushed lightly at the end, but his voice was steady. With a jolt, Kaname realized they were talking about _him._ "I just," Zero shrugged a little helplessly, looking lost. He fell silent for a few moments, tongue darting out to lick his dry lips occasionally as he searched for the right words to say. "I don't want him to keep destroying his life because of our relationship." 

For a moment, it was like the world froze.

What was Zero talking about? Their relationship was _destroying_ him? "That's not true," Kaname replied in muted horror, forgetting that Zero couldn't see nor hear him. "You don't really think that, do you, Zero?" Instinctively, he reached out to grab Zero's shoulder, only to remember that he was a passive spectator right now. 

"When I told Kaname that I disliked going to his vampire soirees because of the way the nobles treated him, it wasn't false. It's difficult to stomach the greed they hide behind false niceties." Zero closed his eyes and laughed quietly. "But there's also a selfish reason. Every time I watch those aristocrats push their daughters at him, there's this ugly feeling inside me." 

He dropped his face into his hands, breathing shakily. "For some reason, both Kaname and Yuuki think I'm a kind-hearted person, so I don't want them to show them this hideous part of me. I can't help but be consumed by frustration and envy whenever Kaname smiles at those despicable vampires even though I know he doesn't mean those smiles." Zero sighed, looking up and at Seiren, a storm brewing behind his eyes. "I'm more than aware of the burdens that Kaname must carry because of our relationship. I can't give him an heir, and I can't even express affection for him in front of others because it'll only hurt his social standing and reputation even further. I refuse to risk his life for something as small as that." Zero smiled grimly. "He's tying his life to someone who is going to pass away in the blink of an eye and can't even offer him anything in return for the time we spent together." 

Kaname...had never realized that Zero felt this way about their relationship. He thought his actions had been _protecting_ Zero, not _alienating_ him. Kaname had thought that Zero already knew the depth of Kaname's feelings for him. The differences in their lifespans aside, the rest of Zero's worries were hardly worth the worrying. Zero was far more important to Kaname than some silly social status or the expectation for an heir -- hadn't Kaname already reassured Zero of that already? 

If Kaname hadn't been an incorporeal ghost at the moment, he was sure he would have stumbled and fallen after what he had just heard. There was something horrifyingly painful about realizing just how much he had failed his lover because he was too busy misunderstanding what Zero really needed. Kaname had been so confident he knew what Zero's worries were that he never stopped to really check in with the hunter. Meanwhile, Zero was quietly drowning in the despair of his own crippling self-doubt. 

Zero had claimed to be a selfish lover, but if anything it was Kaname who truly was the selfish one.

From the very start, Zero had been swept up in Kaname's pace. It wasn't just what Kaname did to him in the name of protecting Yuuki (and Kaname would never understand how Zero ever managed to forgive him for all that). After Yuuki had found her own happiness, Kaname shamelessly claimed Zero's attention for himself, basking in the warmth and gentleness that the hunter had offered so freely. 

Of course, it later helped ease his guilt to learn that Zero himself had harbored feelings for Kaname at the time, and therefore the time they spent in each others' company wasn't altogether just a result of Zero's natural tendency to be kind to others. Not that Kaname would have let his guilt hold him back from enjoying Zero's company even if Zero didn't actually enjoy being around him.

Kaname never claimed to be a good person. 

"Pardon me for being blunt, Kiryuu-sama," Seiren said after a while, her carefully blank face not revealing much about how she perceived Zero's words. "But in all my years of service to Kaname-sama, I have never known him to uphold those values you described above the wellbeing of his own loved ones." 

Zero still didn't look convinced, so Seiren ventured on, "It isn't my place to say this, but for a majority of his life Kaname-sama hasn't had the luxury of choice when it comes to his personal life. I cannot claim to completely understand the intricacies of your relationship with Kaname-sama, but I know that it means a lot more to him than you think." 

A vulnerable flicker of hope flared to life in Zero's eyes at Seiren's words, and Kaname felt encouraged by the sight. He couldn't help but realize again just how lucky he was. In spite of her circumstances, Seiren had remained a steadfast and loyal presence by Kaname's side, and it was heartening to see that she did approve of his relationship with Zero. Seiren didn't willingly break her stoic facade for just anything, and to see her advocating on his behalf while trying to reassure Zero... 

While Seiren was right that his life had been dictated by the limits vampire society imposed on him, Kaname was also fortunate to have found people that truly, deeply cared for him. People that understood and trusted in him.

He leaned forward, pressing the impression of a kiss onto his lover's temple and resolving to make things right as soon as he woke up from this strange dream. "I'll see you back home," Kaname murmured into Zero's ear despite knowing his lover currently couldn't hear him. Turning to Seiren, Kaname allowed himself a fond smile. "And thank you, Seiren." Shifting his attention back to Zero, Kaname kissed the hunter's cheek one more time, then turned away from his two most trusted people and walked briskly forwards into the dark. 

"I'd like to go home now," Kaname called out into the snowy night, his voice a firm command. 

At his words, the pale figure of his not-sister appeared before him, her eyes filled with an unreadable emotion. Seeing the determined expression on Kaname's face, she brightened. "I'm glad for you," the Ghost of Christmas Present smiled, extending a hand and cupping his cheek. Her smile dimmed a little bit, and she looked apologetic. "But I'm afraid this isn't over just yet." 

Kaname opened his mouth to protest, but then the Ghost of Christmas Present was turning around and disappearing into the dark. A breeze flew by, bringing with it a furious storm of snow and cold, and Kaname was whisked away before he could say anything. 

\-- 

The chaotic sea of white around him perfectly echoed the storm brewing in Kaname's head. He was hardly paying attention to the treacherous snow around him. Instead, his mind was miles away, thinking about everything he had just heard Zero tell Seiren. 

Of course, there was always the chance this entire thing was just some made up figment of his imagination. After all, hadn't Kaname already come to the conclusion that this strange sequence of events was merely a strange dream or some stress-induced hallucination? And yet...some part of him also knew that this wasn't a mere fantasy. The conversation he had just overheard wasn't a conjuration of his own creation, but rather something that was taking place in reality. 

When the storm finally died down, Kaname found himself staring at the front porch of his home. For a few seconds, he blinked uncomprehendingly at the festive lights. There was something _off_ about the look of the house, but Kaname couldn't quite place his finger on what it was. If it hadn't been for the Ghost of Christmas Present's parting words, Kaname would have assumed that he had managed to return home and woken up from whatever strange dream he was having. 

Instead, he waited patiently at the front steps, wondering what he was going to be shown next. And true to his expectations, a translucent figure appeared in front of him, a gentle look on her face. To Kaname's surprise, however, the pale figure didn't look like anyone he knew. Logically, he knew that she had to be the Ghost of Christmas Future, but unlike the previous ghosts Kaname was not familiar with her likeness. 

...Well, that wasn't entirely true. 

A pang of wistful nostalgia swept over Kaname as he looked at her. There was something about the ghost that reminded Kaname of Kuran Juuri, with her soft brown curls and kind eyes. He missed Haruka and Juuri dearly. Even if they were not his real parents, they had tried their best to give him a proper childhood filled with love. 

"Hello," he greeted her. "I assume you must be the Ghost of Christmas Future." The ghost nodded in confirmation, her lips quirking up in a pleased smile at his acknowledgement. "And what did you bring me here to see?" She held up a hand in a silent request for Kaname to wait, then pointed at the house's front door as it slowly started to open. 

Out stepped an older version of himself, dressed impeccably and hair combed back neatly. The other Kaname paused for a brief moment on the porch, casting a look back into the house before closing the door shut and locking it. He paused, laying a hand on the wooden frame of the door. A minute passed. And then he was off, taking brisk steps forwards into the snowy night. 

As Kaname made to follow after his older self, the Ghost of Christmas Future grabbed his hand and shook her head. When Kaname gave her a quizzical look, she raised her other hand and snapped her fingers. Snow gathered around them in a whirlwind, briefly obscuring their vision before dancing away and revealing that the Ghost of Christmas Future had relocated them. 

They were standing in the middle of an oddly familiar city, but Kaname couldn't quite recognize his surroundings. He glanced around at the different shops, trying to figure out why he was experiencing such a strong sense of deja vu. It was only when Kaname spotted his older self walking into a very familiar flower shop that Kaname realized where exactly they were. 

Time had transformed the small town they chose to settle in; the local bakery that Zero had loved to frequent was now replaced by a hotel, the cafe where they had spent their third anniversary together became home to a large corporate complex. It was a little bizarre to see hints of the town he knew tucked into the corners of this strange bustling city. Based on the colorful billboards around them, Kaname had traveled a little over fifty years forward into the future. 

The quaint flower shop his future self had ducked into was one of the few buildings Kaname could recognize. Back then, the flower shop's owner was one of the few townsfolk that was aware of the existence of vampires, as he had a daughter who attended Cross Academy a few years after Zero and Kaname both graduated. Kaname had been rather fond of the owner. The bouquets he sold were modest arrangements filled with plenty of heart and care, and he always seemed to know exactly what flowers Kaname needed. Despite Kaname's inhuman nature and age, the owner had been nothing but kind to him, treating Kaname like something of a son and always willing to lend a listening ear whenever Kaname was going through a rough patch with Zero. 

And when Kaname walked through the doors of the shop with the Ghost of Christmas Future right behind him, he was not surprised to see the owner's daughter standing behind the counter. She too had changed -- no longer was she the blushing young girl that had struggled to say a single word in Kaname's presence. The woman smiling at his older self had aged gracefully, a touch of grey at her temples and her laugh lines prominent on her face. 

The bouquet she handed over to the older Kaname was reminiscent of the bouquets Kaname had ordered from her father. He watched himself pick up the arrangement of small yellow flowers, a strange smile on his face. 

"Thank you, Momoko-san. The blooms are lovely as always." As his older self reached for his wallet, the elderly woman stubbornly shook her head. 

"No, no, Kuran-san. These are for Kiryuu-san, aren't they?" At the future Kaname's slow nod of confirmation, she clicked her tongue at him and shook her head again. "Both of you have already done so much for me and otou-san." When the other him continued to hesitate, she sent him a mocking glare. "I insist." Her look then softened, and she ducked underneath the counter before coming back up with a small sprig of pink purple flowers in hand. Tucking it into the arrangement, she nodded at the sight. "There, perfect." 

The other Kaname thanked her quietly, and she waved off his words of gratitude. "It's my pleasure. Please give Kiryuu-san my regards when you see him. Now young man, don't keep him waiting." Kaname couldn't help but smile as he watched his older self give the woman a fond look and exit the shop. She really was a lot like her father. 

Glancing at the ghost to his right, he asked, "Is this what you wanted me to see?" The Ghost of Christmas Future shook her head, holding out her hand in a silent gesture. Kaname couldn't help but give the shop one more look around, some part of him marveling at how it managed to last despite all the changes that occurred to this town. He was sure the flower shop's owner would be happy to know that his business would continue to thrive under his daughter's guidance. Kaname then turned back to the ghost, placing his palm over hers. With a snap of her fingers, the cozy little flower shop soon disappeared in a shower of snow.

When the snow eventually faded away, Kaname froze at what he saw.

The Ghost of Christmas Future had brought them to the grounds of the Kuran ancestral home, a place that Kaname had purposely avoided after Ridou awoke him from his sleep. Once upon a time, he had entertained the thought of bringing Yuuki back here once she reawoke as her pureblood self, but ultimately he decided against it after Yuuki called off their engagement. 

And when Zero became his lover, Kaname ended up moving in with the hunter into a much smaller home due to Zero's distaste for wasteful extravagance. The two of them rarely brought up Kaname's recollections of living at the Kuran manor, much less the memories that Kaname associated with the estate prior to his awakening. There was an instance when Kaname had tried to bring up the topic of his past with his lover, wishing to offer something of himself in return for the trust Zero had placed in him. To his embarrassment, it had been more difficult than he thought, and by the end of it Zero had gently reached out to hold him, letting Kaname know that while he appreciated Kaname's attempt to be more open, the pain of reliving those nightmarish memories was not worth it. 

Kaname took a deep breath, pushing down the surge of unpleasant memories. Based on what the ghost had already shown him, it seemed like his future self was meeting Zero here. And if the future him had brought Zero to this place, then it meant that both Zero and himself had been able to embrace and transform the dark pain of his past. 

He waited around for a few minutes, wondering what it was the Ghost of Christmas Future had wanted him to see. She had vanished after she brought him here, and Kaname took it as a sign that this was what she truly meant to show him. When nothing happened, Kaname decided to take a look around himself. He was impatient to wake up from this dream and get back to Zero.

The grounds were eerily silent and melancholic, and Kaname tried his best not to linger at any particular place. He passed through the rose garden and then frowned. If he recalled correctly, the hill behind the rose garden was supposed to be a barren plot of land. Haruka initially had made plans to convert the area into a garden for Kaname and Yuuki to play in, but then his parents were brutally murdered and the Kuran estate laid abandoned for years. 

However, now Kaname could see countless blooms peeking out of the snow covered ground, their petals trembling whenever the wind rushed by. The entire hill was carpeted by these flowers, a striking field of purple blossoms that reminded him of his lover's lilac eyes. Kaname slowly walked through the flower field in wonder, and then he came to a shocked standstill at the top of the hill. 

His eyes stared uncomprehendingly at the sight in front of him. 

No.

It couldn't be. 

This was just a hallucination. A dream -- no, a nightmare. His eyes and brain must be playing tricks on him. 

Numbly, Kaname wandered down the hill, his eyes fixated not on the hunched over figure kneeling in the snow at the foot of the hill but on what it was his older self was holding. A dash of pink and purple amidst a bouquet of bright yellow placed lovingly on top of countless other flower arrangements that spoke of hopeless longing. Golden letters that cruelly taunted him from white marble, a stark contrast to the field of purple surrounding them.

_Here lies --_

_Here lies Zero, beloved --_

It was suddenly hard to breathe. 

No. This was a lie, a cruel and deceptive _joke_ that these ghosts were playing on him. That his mind was playing on him. Because there was no way his future self would allow something like this to happen. Had he not vowed to himself that he would not lose another precious person ever again, no matter what he had to do? So how was it that this older version of him had failed so spectacularly? 

"I'm home, Zero," he heard the older Kaname whisper to the cold slab of stone, fingers tracing over Zero's name reverently again and again. "Merry Christmas. I wonder what you would say if you saw how pathetic I am right now." Kaname could feel the grief in his older self's voice echoing within his own heart. As he watched his own self crumble with despair, Kaname realized that he had to do something about this. Even if this was only a product of his own imagination, a nightmare to taunt him about his deepest fears, Kaname realized that the eventuality of Zero passing away before him was very much something he had to face. Zero himself had admitted as much -- compared to a pureblood's lifespan, Zero was nothing more than passing moment, a fleeting second instantly lost to the sands of time. 

"I wish we had spent more Christmases together, instead of wasting them on pointless arguments about petty things." 

Kaname turned away at that statement. It struck too close to home. The Ghost of Christmas Future was suddenly there, standing in front of him quietly, her hands clasped together in the front. 

"Was this what you wanted to show me?" Kaname asked, feeling an irrational resentment at the ghost despite knowing she hadn't technically done anything to him. "Did you want to show me that what I did wrong?" Because he already knew what he had done wrong. He knew how he had hurt Zero, and the reminder of just how precious Zero was to him made him _burn._ He strode up to the ghost, reaching up and grabbing her collar, lifting her up. The Ghost of Christmas Future remained silent, her dark eyes solemn. 

"Take me back to him, _now._ " The words burst forth from him in a surge of cold anger, driven by the agonizing thought that his lover was going to _die_ in just a few more years. Half a century was nothing compared to the long eternity Kaname would have to spend alone. Suddenly it felt like there was a noose around Zero's neck, and with every second Kaname spent away from his lover, the rope was getting tighter and tighter. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past was still during his outburst, her eyes occasionally softening with sympathy and understanding. Kaname hated that look. He didn't need her sympathy. He needed her to bring him back to Zero before he lost any more time standing around here doing nothing. Kaname just wanted to see Zero's face again, to reassure himself that this horrible nightmare wasn't a sick twist of reality. "Please," his voice had quieted, desperate and pleading when she didn't respond. "I need to get back to him." His grip on her collar slackened, and he threw a bitter glance backwards at his older self. "I won't let myself become _him._ " 

A spectral hand reached out and settled down on top of his head in a gesture of comfort. Kaname looked back to see the Ghost of Christmas Future smiling at him, a sorrowful look on her face. _Make sure you really do treasure him this time_ , her eyes conveyed a silent message. With that, she let go and drifted backwards, a snowstorm eclipsing her form, and then Kaname's vision was obscured by white. 

\-- 

"--up, Kaname. Wake up." 

Someone was shaking him gently, whispering into his ear. He wanted to respond, but the warmth from the fireplace and the smell of freshly baked cookies lulled him back into a haze. Drifting in and out, Kaname became aware that whoever was trying to wake him had leaned in closer, and the shaking became more persistent.

"If you're going to sleep, you should go upstairs." 

The voice was tinged with mild exasperation and fond amusement. 

"Kaname?" 

Oh, had he dozed off again? The speaker's voice was now tinged with an underlying tone of concern. 

"Are you not feeling well?" 

Cool fingers came to rest against his forehead, brushing aside a few stray locks. They lingered there for a few seconds before slowly running down his face to his cheek. 

"I don't think you have a fever but -- _Kaname?_ " 

As soon as Kaname realized who exactly was trying to wake him up, his right hand shot up and reached for the hand that was caressing his cheek. He pulled, _hard_ , and as a body clumsily fell on top of his Kaname opened his eyes to smile at the startled face of his beloved.

Zero looked indignant at Kaname's actions, and his lover was opening his mouth to respond when Kaname brushed his lips over Zero's and murmured, "I missed you. Zero." His arms snaked around his lover's waist, pulling Zero closer to him. There was a quiet sort of desperation to his movements as Kaname tried to reassure himself that he had finally woken up from the terrible dream, that Zero was alive and here with him. 

The body on top of his was slightly chilled from the cold outside, but the steady heartbeat echoing inside Zero's chest reassured Kaname. He nuzzled the side of Zero's neck, listening with rapt attention to the thrum of the blood running through his hunter's veins. Yes, Zero was very much alive and well. 

"Are you alright?" Zero's voice was subdued, as if sensing Kaname's strange mood. In response, Kaname hummed and buried his face in Zero's neck, thrilling in the familiar scent of his most precious person and the way Zero's heartbeat increased.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Kaname whispered into Zero's neck, ignoring Zero's question. He wasn't sure if he was alright, not really. His heart was bursting with emotion, filled with love towards this endearing person before him but also the fear that his lover would be taken away from him. "So please, stay with me." 

At Kaname's response, Zero pulled back slightly to stare at the pureblood in consternation, ignoring Kaname's displeased expression at the distance between them. The hunter looked lost. 

"Kaname, I don't -- are you --" Zero freed his hand from where it was trapped, bringing it back up to cup Kaname's cheek. "Is that what this is about?" When Kaname didn't answer, Zero sighed in gentle exasperation. "Kaname, I'm not upset," And here he flushed when Kaname shot him a dry and disbelieving look. "Alright, so maybe I was a bit upset, but," he leaned down, pressing his forehead against Kaname's. Despite his red cheeks, Zero's face was lined with determination and reassurance. "I'm not going to _leave_ you over something like that. I know you have certain obligations, and I'm not going to ask you to abandon your duties or change who you are." 

Kaname smiled helplessly. That was such a Zero-like response. Always kind, always self-sacrificing, always considerate of Kaname. It was about time Kaname showed Zero that Kaname wanted to do the same for him in return. He reached up with his own hand, twining his fingers with Zero's. "No, you were right. I'd much rather spend my Christmas with you than with some brown-nosing aristocrat." 

There was a beat of silence, and Zero smiled softly back at Kaname, the sight taking the pureblood's breath away. "Thank you, Kaname." And this time, it was Kaname's turn to shiver with delight at the way the hunter called his name. 

They stayed there together on the couch for a few more minutes, enjoying each other's company and quietly sneaking in a few kisses in between quiet whispers. Kaname struggled to stay awake, determined to enjoy this moment between Zero and himself for just a little longer. It was a difficult task; he was exhausted from constantly working the past few days, and the emotional rollercoaster his nightmare had taken him on certainly didn't help.

He wasn't even aware he had closed his eyes until he felt Zero gently shaking his shoulder again. 

"Kaname," the amused exasperation was back in Zero's voice. "Come on, let's go upstairs. You need to sleep." He didn't want to let go of Zero, but the hunter was already moving, prying Kaname's arms off him and trying to convince the pureblood to get up. "If you sleep here, you're going to hurt your neck and back." 

With some more gentle coaxing, Zero managed to pull Kaname up. As they headed towards the stairs, Kaname paused by the door of his study. There was still the matter of all those invites he had to address before he could sleep. 

"Why don't you head upstairs first," he suggested to Zero, kissing his lover's temple. "I'll be right up with you as soon as I finish taking care of some things." After Kaname successfully reassured Zero that no, he was not going back to his paperwork, this would take two minutes at most, the hunter headed up the staircase without Kaname. 

Opening the door to his study, Kaname walked inside and picked up the bundle of invitations on his desk. He looked through each politely worded responses, studied the elegant curves and swoops of his own signature. His mouth set in a grim line, Kaname closed the door to his study and headed to the fireplace, then proceeded to toss the bundle of papers into the fire. With satisfaction, he watched the invitations burn up into ashes.

Then, Kaname turned away from the fire and headed up the stairs to the bedroom where his lover was waiting for him.

**Author's Note:**

> flowers in the bouquet kaname placed at zero's grave -- primrose ("i can't live without you") & lungwort ("you are my life")
> 
> the ghost of christmas future is supposed to look like ai, but because kaname and yuuki never got together in this world he doesn't know who she is supposed to be


End file.
